The Sassy Envious Friend
by Aurora-Borealis Coyote
Summary: Meet Edward and Alphonse Elric. They are about to perform a human transmutation and lose their bodies...this fate could have been avoided if they had a Sassy Envious Friend. CRACK


**Parody of the "Sassy Gay Friend " videos…um…yeah. **

_Meet Edward and Alphonse Elric. They are about to perform a human transmutation ritual in an attempt to resurrect their dead mother, which will fail completely, leaving Ed with two missing limbs and Al with his whole body missing._

_This fate could have been avoided if they had a Sassy Envious Friend._

Edward and Alphonse knelt next to each other in front of the elaborate transmutation circle they had meticulously drawn, their small hands poised carefully above the complex symbols. Resolved to bring their late mother Trisha back to life, they hoped to be the ones who could do what was considered possible only in legend- successfully enact a human transmutation.

"Are you ready, Al?" Ed asked quietly, concentrating on the circle.

"When you are," Al turned to look trustingly at his older brother.

"Okay…" Ed said, readying his hands, and just as he and Al were prepared to touch the ground and perform the transmutation, the door of the room slammed open abruptly. Fearing the intruder was their teacher, who had expressly forbidden them from the alchemic taboo, the two young boys looked at each other nervously.

"What are you doing," demanded a rough voice that turned out to be one neither of the Elric brothers recognized. Turning around in curiosity, they saw what looked like an older teenager with green hair, a strange black outfit, and a stranger tattoo that looked vaguely familiar, as if they had seen the symbol in one of the old books they had pored through in order to learn about human transmutation. "What, what, what are you doing," he continued, waving his arm with a deranged, judgmental look on his face.

"Who are you? We just wanted to bring our mom back," Al said quietly.

"If you're going to ask, we're performing human transmutation…" Ed impatiently added, starting to turn back around to the circle.

"And you're a human who thinks he can touch the sun and not get burned," Envy, the visitor, fired back with patronizing boredom as he walked right over the transmutation circle, kicking the two boys out of the way so they would back off. "After all , the number one rule of alchemy is that you are not supposed to perform human transmutation…because it does not bring the dead to life," he emphasized the last part, glaring down at the brothers.

"Are you even an alchemist? I…think you're just saying all this," Ed said, looking away from Envy's face and frowning. He really did want to believe Trisha could come back, but he did think that this visitor had a point…and his argument was kind of convincing.

"And I think you're ten and an idiot!" Envy threw his hands in the air, exasperated. "Do you know what happens when people commit human transmutation?" he bared his teeth. "You," he said to Al. "What have you learned, besides how to make wooden dolls and imitate your brother's hand motions?"

Al began wringing his hands. "I…" he started. "It's said to resurrect people…but my teacher said that it was forbidden…"

"If I were your teacher I'd give you an F, kid. If you're going to follow through with this, go right ahead…if you're up for dealing with the deadly combination of disabling injuries, lifelong trauma, and an emotionally conflicted water-monster with an existential crisis," he sneered. "Not to mention your options once you fail…but don't let me stop you. You humans have always thought you were above the rules."

"I'm not giving up," Ed interrupted.

"Well, isn't that inspiring," Envy said sarcastically. "Do you really think this is going to work?"

"Maybe there is a reason why people don't do this…" Al said, turning to Ed, who reluctantly nodded.

"Teacher was probably right, as usual," Ed replied.

"Yeah, you think?" Envy said, pointing his index finger to Ed's face. "You are going to watch some bad Hallmark TV movies, plan a memorial service, and go back to school," he sternly ordered, as the two brothers gradually stood up. "What would you have done when you had failed? Do you know the results of human transmutation involve losing parts of your body?"

Al gasped, and Ed's eyes widened. "I…we would have had to find a way to get them back, then, even if it took a long time," Ed answered. "The military knows a lot about alchemy…right?"

Envy began laughing sharply, narrowing his eyes. "You alchemists are such ridiculous, ambitious optimists, and you can be beyond naïve," he said. "Just go home, come on. Don't run away or try to bring your mom back again or burn the house down, I'm sure your mom raised you to get along well and be resourceful or something. Those neighbors of yours will probably end up taking care of you out of kindness," he derisively told them.

"…Okay," Ed said, with a troubled expression. "I suppose we have to be content with Mom's memory."

"I think she would have wanted us to go on," Al said.

"Listen to yourselves. Such sensible little heads, and you could have lost them, literally! The Gate could have done to you something worse than my leader, almost," Envy smiled, clenching his fist. "Well, maybe something else in your family will happen. We don't watch your father for nothing!"

Ed and Al exchanged shocked glances. "What about Dad…?" Ed asked.

"Oh, nothing. Come on, you foolish, weak humans," he gestured to them as he walked out of the room, slamming the door behind them and leaving the circle and its ingredients untouched. "They're foolish, weak humans."


End file.
